(Un)Fit for a Princess
by LoLoGreeneVines
Summary: Marechiyo Omaeda learns of the existence of Orihime Inoue and decides that she would make a suitable wife. Nobody is convinced.


**Author's notes: This fic is dedicated to Necrofriggian, who once accidentally gave me the OmaeHime crack-prompt. I have been meaning to write this ever since. Um. I hope you enjoy it! :D**

* * *

"And that is the nature of your mission to the World of the Living."

Seeing that Soi Fon had finally finished her monologue, Marechiyo Omaeda tuned back in, took his little finger out of his right nostril and examined the end of it.

"Er, sorry, Captain, but I don't get it," Marechiyo finally said, tearing his eyes away from his finger and digging a bag of rice crackers out of his shihakusho, before beginning to heartily munch the contents.

"Have you been listening to a word I've been saying?" Soi Fon asked, spitting her words out like daggers of ice being flung at her gluttonous Lieutenant. "Honestly, Omaeda, I don't know why I keep you on. You're completely useless."

"Because I offer you snacks, Captain?" Marechiyo suggested, proffering his bag of rice crackers to Soi Fon, only to find it being ripped out of his grip by the tiny Captain and crushed under her deceptively delicate-looking foot.

"You're disgusting," Soi Fon uttered with contempt, wrinkling her nose at the crunchy mess on the floor by her feet. "Clean those crumbs up when we're done talking."

Marechiyo looked at the captain for a second, before crouching down and sweeping up the mess into his hand. Feeling a sharp blow on the back of his cranium, the hapless Lieutenant gave an exclamation of surprise and dropped the cracker crumbs straight back onto the floor, glancing back up into the irate face of Soi Fon.

"We're not done," she hissed. Marechiyo could practically hear the venom dripping from her words. "You weren't listening to your debriefing earlier, and I am not letting you out of my sight until I am satisfied that your tiny little brain can understand exactly what you will be doing for the next couple of months."

"And just what is it that I'll be doing, Captain?" Marechiyo asked dutifully, ignoring the throbbing in his skull as best he could.

Soi Fon sighed. "It seems that the Captain-Commander has decided that Ichigo Kurosaki and his little gang in the World of the Living have become powerful enough to not require a Soul Reaper stationed permanently in Karakura town for Soul Reaper duties. Squad Thirteen has been relieved of their duties, and I have been asked to assign the ninja with the most free-time to a reconnaissance post just to keep an eye on things. Naturally, as my least useful subordinate, you were my first choice."

"So you're trying to get rid of me for a couple of months?"

"Yes."

Marechiyo briefly pondered this. "Nah, that sounds too boring. I think I'll pass."

"_Your duties_," Soi Fon continued as though Marechiyo hadn't just declined, "are to stay hidden, watch what's going on, report all _konso_ performed by Kurosaki back to the Soul Society, and to ensure that Kurosaki and his friends Uryu Ishida, Yasutora Sado and Orihime Inoue stay out of trouble..."

"_Hime_?" Marechiyo interrupted, suddenly. "As in, Princess?"

Soi Fon's eyes narrowed. "Well done, Omaeda," she said, icily. "You have learned a new word."

"I'm there, Captain," Marechiyo decided, drawing himself up to his full height and imagining a beautiful girl standing next to him in sparkling jewels and a fine white dress, a crown of precious diamonds perched on top of her perfectly coiffed hair. '_Oh, Marechiyo,_' the imaginary girl giggled in his vision. '_Will you be my prince?_' Marechiyo blushed.

"When do I leave?" Marechiyo asked impatiently.

Soi Fon raised a slender eyebrow. "Immediately. Get out of my sight," she ordered, turning on her heel and beginning to stride down the corridor. "Oh, and Omaeda?" she said, reaching the door at the end and turning around to see that her Lieutenant was heading for the other end. "Don't forget about the crushed crackers."

"Yes, Captain," Marechiyo said glumly.

* * *

Upon arriving in Karakura, Marechiyo's orders were to find a hiding place near the middle of the town to establish a rudimentary living quarters for himself where he could see all that went on in the town and be seen by none. However, fascinated by the idea of seeing a real-life princess, Marechiyo went out in search of Orihime Inoue.

It was a perfectly reasonable thing to do, Marechiyo reasoned as he leapt with astonishing grace from one rooftop to the next, hoping to spot the tell-tale glimmer of a sparkly tiara somewhere on the streets below him. After all, he was getting older, and his family had been pestering him to find himself a nice wife and settle down for a long time now. Money wasn't an issue to Marechiyo, but he was tempted by the thought of a proper title. How pleased Mareyo would be to find herself the little sister of a prince one day!

Dragging himself from his reverie, Marechiyo glanced around and found the buildings gradually thinning out, leading towards a wide open field. Well, it wouldn't hurt to sit down on the grass and make a daisy chain for the princess. Princesses loved daisy chains. At least, they did according to Mareyo's picture book.

Marechiyo finally reached the edge of the last building before the field and leapt down, landing noiselessly on the pavement and deciding that nobody around would be able to see him. The overweight ninja made his way to a patch of daisies in the middle of the field, near a couple of girls playing what appeared to be some bizarre mix of football and rounders, and began threading, tearing holes in the daisy stems with his bitten-down fingernails and threading the next one through over and over again, the repetitive action providing a metronomic background for his daydreams of the imaginary princess.

_Orihime..._

_Orihime..._

"Orihime!"

The sound of a girl's shout behind him caused Marechiyo to jump in surprise, and he accidentally severed the head off one of his daisies as he whipped his head around to the source of the shout. His eyes fell upon one of the girls who had been playing the ball game, and he noted with disappointment that the spiky black hair and tomboyish garb were not the marks of a princess.

"Orihime!" the dark-haired girl shouted again, and the girl she had been playing with turned around to look at her.

Marechiyo was struck immediately by the other girl's beauty; with her unusually-coloured honey-brown hair fluttering in the wind, delicate features flushed from the exercise of running around the field and the modest, floaty, flower-patterned skirt reaching her shins, she was even more beautiful than the princess Marechiyo had been imagining in his daydreams. Marechiyo noted with the slightest hint of disappointment that Orihime Inoue did not appear to be wearing any particularly fine jewellery, and her pretty clothes weren't made of the most expensive materials, but Marechiyo remembered that in Japan in the World of the Living it was perfectly normal for poor people with titles to marry rich people without, so that both parties may benefit. Yes, this princess would be very suitable indeed...

And then Orihime Inoue swung her bat and sent the ball her friend had kicked flying. Marechiyo watched as the ball soared through the sky, getting closer and closer until it hit him in the face. Marechiyo blinked.

"Oh my gosh! I'm so sorry!" Orihime Inoue shouted as her companion chastised her, running over to pick up the ball from the ground. Just as Marechiyo was about to call back that it wasn't a problem, it occurred to him that nobody was supposed to be able to see his soul form.

_Well, there goes my cover,_ Marechiyo thought, taking one last glance at Orihime's pretty little face before he turned tail and fled back into the concrete jungle of Karakura town. _I'll be back for you, my princess_, he mentally promised as he leapt into the air and sought refuge on a rooftop.

* * *

After a miserable night of crouching under a tarpaulin which was really far too small for his rotund figure, Marechiyo woke up to thesound of the rain beating down on the rooftop and the deeply uncomfortable feel of the dampness creeping through his shihakusho, making him shiver with cold.

"Damn rain," Marechiyo muttered to himself, pushing himself to his feet and shaking the glistening drops of water from his tarpaulin, before folding it up and stowing it safely in a pocket. Remembering what his Captain had said about his mission, Marechiyo decided that the best course of action would be to head over to Karakura High School. After all, if he were to report any instances of _konso_, his best course of action would be to shadow Ichigo Kurosaki. It didn't hurt that Princess Orihime would also be there...

Marechiyo took off, leaping from one rooftop to the next as he made his way over to College Town. Despite the puddles, he moved silently, putting his ninja-training into practice in order to avoid detection. It was important to remain undercover, and splashing about in puddles like some toddler would was a certain way to attract attention.

Seeing Karakura High School down the road, Marechiyo altered his path to take him directly to the rooftop of the large building. Sailing over the courtyard with astonishing grace, Marechiyo reached the roof effortlessly and touched down, turning back to face the courtyard. His gaze was immediately drawn to a small figure walking towards the building, a slight figure he would recognise anywhere.

"Orihime..." Marechiyo sighed, dreamily, resting his shoulders on the half-wall which had been erected at the edge of the rooftop.

"What are you doing?" came a voice from behind him.

"Watching Orihime," Marechiyo responded without thinking, finally turning his head to see his quarry sitting on the ground behind him, lounging in the morning sun with his back to the wall..

"Oh," Ichigo Kurosaki responded, as Marechiyo realised just how much trouble he was going to be in when he returned to the Soul Society and proceeded to panic. "Why are you watching Orihime?"

"Be... because I'm going to marry her," Marechiyo stammered.

"Does she know about this?"

Marechiyo shook his head. "Not yet."

Ichigo shrugged. "Oh, okay. Well, good luck," he said, getting to his feet and exiting the rooftop, leaving Marechiyo utterly bewildered.

* * *

Reasoning that if he was going to get into trouble anyway for blowing his cover, Marechiyo decided that on the grounds that his job was to shadow Ichigo's friends anyway, it might make sense to contact them. Granted, his mission was technically to stand by and watch, but he could get the same information directly from the Karakura kids and free up some more time for sleeping. Besides, actually talking to his charges would be a brilliant opportunity to learn more about Orihime Inoue.

Having spent the entire morning hovering directly outside Ichigo's (and Orihime's) classroom, drawing into the shadows whenever he felt the gaze of one of the students drifting out of the window. Marechiyo watched Orihime closely, noting everybody she had any contact with throughout the morning. Ruling out the hyperactive brunette boy who had received a polite smile from the Princess when he drew out her chair for her (and then proceeded to trip over it), the enormous boy with dark skin who had silently nodded to Orihime in greeting when she had first entered the classroom, and the red-headed girl with glasses who grabbed Orihime in a hug and swirled her around the room before the dark-haired girl Marechiyo had seen with Orihime yesterday had pried her off, Marechiyo homed in on the skinny boy with glasses Orihime had given a spool of silver thread to. Recognising the boy as one Uryu Ishida, whom Soi Fon had ordered him to keep an eye on, Marechiyo resolved to talk to him later, after he had spoken to the girl.

* * *

Recognising Orihime's friend sitting alone in the courtyard later, looking around as though waiting for somebody, Marechiyo approached the girl determinedly.

"Ah!" she exclaimed, as she noticed Marechiyo approaching. Marechiyo noticed with alarm that the girl's body stiffened and her arm subconsciously moved itself into a defensive pose. _A martial artist_, Marechiyo realised. _Better be careful._

"I know that uniform! You're a Soul Reaper!" the girl said, narrowing her eyes in distrust. "What do you want?"

Marechiyo scratched the back of his head. "I, er, wanted to talk to you about Orihime Inoue?" he offered, lamely.

The girl's eyes narrowed even further. "Oh yeah? Why are you asking about Orihime? Are you a creeper?"

"No!" Marechiyo declared, quickly. "I have nothing but the best of intentions for Princess Orihime! You see, she is to be my bride!"

However, before he could say anything else, the girl had leapt to her feet and winded Marechiyo, kicking him in the stomach and putting him in a full-Nelson. _Not bad for such a skinny girl_, Marechiyo thought. _Fast, strong, angry at me... the Captain would approve._

"Go away!" the girl shouted, releasing Marechiyo and shoving him several metres away. "You come anywhere near Orihime again and I'll make you wish you had never died! Or something."

Resisting the urge to ever-so-smugly point out the holes in her comeback, Marechiyo hurried away, praying that the girl would live a very long time. He had a sneaking suspicion that if Soi Fon ever found out about this, she would be especially reserving a seat in the second division for this fire-breathing dragon many years in advance.

* * *

Spotting the skinny Uryu Ishida sewing on his own in a classroom after school, Marechiyo decided to approach him. After all, Embroidery-Boy couldn't possibly be nearly as terrifying as Karate-Girl.

"Good afternoon!" Marechiyo said brightly, leaping through the window and earning a single bored glance from the boy.

"Oh, a Soul Reaper," Uryu muttered, disinterestedly, before returning to his embroidering. "You must have some reason for bothering me. This had better be good."

Marechiyo nodded, despite the fact that Uryu wasn't looking at him. "Indeed! I had noticed that you were friends with Orihime Inoue..."

Marechiyo trailed off as he noticed a slight stiffening in Uryu's shoulders at the mentioning of the Princess. "I am," Uryu said, sharply looking up from his embroidery and frowning at Marechiyo. "What of it?"

"Well," Marechiyo continued, looking at the floor. "You must know her pretty well..."

"She is my friend," Uryu responded stiffly. "Of course I know her well."

"Great!" Marechiyo said, hopefully. "Do you think you could tell me about her?"

In less time than it took for Marechiyo to blink, Uryu was on his feet and pointing a blazing white bow and arrow at the hapless Soul Reaper. _I was wrong_, Marechiyo thought. _Embroidery-Boy is definitely scarier than Karate-Girl. Why does this school have to be so full of dragons_?

"I promise I'm not a stalker!" Marechiyo declared, earning himself a sceptical look from Uryu. "It's just that ever since I set eyes on the Princess yesterday, I have been utterly enchanted by her! I have vowed to make her my wife. I have no doubt that she will accept; I have money!"

Marechiyo watched as the boy lowered his bow, a pitying expression on his thin face. "You have no chance," Uryu said, quietly. "Orihime doesn't care about money. She isn't that shallow."

"Oh," Marechiyo said, articulately.

"The only person she has any interest in is Ichigo Kurosaki, yet he has never noticed her. That's the way it's always been, ever since I met her," Uryu continued, sitting back down.

Marechiyo smirked and leaned in until his face was just a couple of inches away from Uryu's. "You're just jealous."

"Excuse me?" Uryu demanded, raising a thin eyebrow. Marechiyo subtly swiped the spare spool of silver thread from the desk, the one he had spotted Orihime giving Uryu earlier, and backed off.

"You're jealous because I'm going to marry Orihime Inoue and _you're not_. So there!" Marechiyo blew a giant raspberry as he pocketed the spool and jumped back out of the window, ignoring Uryu's protests as he resolved to follow Orihime around for the rest of the day despite her protectors.

* * *

As Marechiyo was following Orihime Inoue's delicate reiatsu back to Sakurabashi, where she must have lived, a senkaimon opened up in front of him and a black Hell-butterfly fluttered out. Marechiyo held out a stubby finger for the Hell-butterfly to land on, so that it could pass on its message.

Inside his head, Marechiyo could hear Soi Fon's voice yelling. Among the irate screaming, Marechiyo could faintly make out the words "return... Soul Society... immediately," so he released the butterfly and followed it into the senkaimon, utterly terrified of what he was going to find on the other side.

Dragging his feet through the precipice world, Marechiyo sulked about not getting to even properly talk to Orihime, before he finally came to the end and emerged from another senkaimon in the Squad 2 courtyard.

"_Omaeda!_"

Marechiyo winced at the fury in his Captain's voice before he even spotted her. "Good afternoon, Captain Soi Fon," he offered, meekly, before he found the second foot of the day firmly planted in his stomach.

"I hope you're pleased with yourself," Soi Fon spat. "While you were following Orihime Inoue around like a lost puppy, you failed to notice the Menos Grande emerging over in the Yumisawa area of Karakura. Fortunately, Ichigo Kurosaki immediately took care of it, but the fact that you failed to report it immediately was grounds for removing you from your position. You are being replaced."

"Wha..?" Marechiyo responded, his jaw dropping in shock. "But I enjoyed that job!"

"You were a liability," Soi Fon responded. "I have decided to give you a task more suited to your particular skills. As of now, you are responsible for cleaning the division toilets. _Without kido._"

Marechiyo observed the dangerous expression on Soi Fon's face and decided that arguing would be futile. As he sloped off with his metaphorical tail between his legs, Marechiyo reached into his shihakusho and closed his fingers on the spool of silver thread which had been Orihime's.

At least the trip to the World of the Living hadn't been a complete waste of time.


End file.
